Robot pets do not poop

By Larry Nichols
PGN Staff Writer
© Philadelphia Gay News

Pets are a lot like children for a number of reasons:

The coolest ones always belong to someone else, it’s always a good idea to adopt one that’s already been fully trained to obey, and their cuteness evaporates the moment poop, urine or vomit shoots out of them like small-arms fire.

But unlike for children, reliable substitutions for the real pets are readily available. It is possible that science could invent a Lunchables and cereal-fueled machine that could run amok in Chuck E. Cheese’s and suck up half of your income for 13 years until it becomes old enough to hate your guts, experiment with dope and take up skateboarding, but who would be stupid enough to invent it?

Anyway, it’s 2008 and robots are the shit. Really. See the movie “Wall-E” or “Transformers” and try to act like robots aren’t the baddest machines on the planet.

Then add the fact that some people just don’t have the time, the energy, the heart or the immune system to deal with all the issues that come with caring for a real animal, no matter how loving or low-maintenance they are. If the allergies to cat hair and cleaning up ferret droppings don’t have you reaching for Benadryl and hand sanitizer on a regular basis, then the agonizing and expensive trips to the vet will have you dipping into the prescription mood stabilizers while you wrestle with whether Precious’ or Rex’s prolonged life is worth $3,000 in x-rays, surgery and physical therapy.

So why search the pounds for animal companionship with a side order of potential heartbreak when science is delivering pre-packaged bundles of mechanized, unconditional love with all kinds of skills and do-dads built in to boot?

Leading the charge in the robot pet market is WowWee Robotics, a designer of innovative hi-tech robotic products that are available from your favorite retailer or at www.wowwee.com.

If you like the full futuristic robot-pet vibe, one of the company’s cooler offerings is the Roboboa ($69.99), a robot snake with moods, mobility and alien attitude. It combines advanced artificial-intelligence animations with lights, motion and sound, allowing it to function as a wake-up alarm, scanning room guard, disco marquee and a playful cannon.

If you’re looking for something a little cuter and friendlier, there’s the Robopanda ($169.99), an interactive pet with bright, animated eyes that shares stories and jokes.

For a robot pet that will probably take a bullet for you, check out WowWee’s latest mechanized house pet, the Rovio, due out later this year. This WiFi-enabled, remote-controlled three-wheeled robot (think of a robot pooch crossbred with an all-terrain vehicle) allows you to survey your home or office remotely through streaming video and audio transmitted via the Internet to your cell phone, PC or video game console. The robot has the ability to act semi-autonomously using smart navigation to know where it is, locate the position of other objects and accurately navigate through its environment.

Those who want their robot pets to be a little more believable and cuddly can check out WowWee’s Alive series robots. These are fun simply because you’d never be able to have the real versions as “companions” unless you worked at a zoo, a wildlife refuge or in Vegas with plans to make them jump through flaming hoops. Lions, white tigers and polar bears ($59.99) feature furry exteriors and fall asleep if you leave them alone for more than five minutes.

On a side note, it is very strange that this series features a lifelike singing and talking bust of Elvis ($249.99). It’s just plain creepy, even though it’s black-leather-comeback-special Elvis instead of bloated-, sequined-and-doped-up-on-painkillers Elvis. Even more disturbing are the lifelike chimp busts ($79.99) with realistic animatronic behavioral sounds and motions made possible through the Hollywood-like special effects. It has lifelike hair and skin and an expressive, interactive personality with four distinct moods: curious, fearful, happy and angry, three of which are probably the result of it wondering where the hell its arms, legs and the rest of its torso are.

Now, if none of the above products makes you want to choose a robot pet over a real live flesh, fur and errant bodily fluid spewing animal, consider this: Supporting the robot pet industry now means there will be bigger and better robot pets in the future. Today’s robot snake could become tomorrow’s fully realistic robot dolphin, eagle or wooly mammoth (all fully equipped with Wi-Fi and iTunes of course). Even better would be a fully robotic Elvis with a downloaded kung-fu program. Who’s going to break into your house when you have robot alligators and Elvis with ninja skills providing security?

Larry Nichols is no longer allowed in PetSmart and can be reached at larry@epgn.com.