Learning to love a hard body

Dear Ms. Behavior:

My new lady friend is a serious weight-training type. One could go so far as to call her a “body builder.” I really like her but don’t dig the muscles so much. This is a problem for her as she wants me to swoon at the sight of her bulging biceps.

A friend oversimplified the situation by saying that I just think men should have muscles and women should be soft. (My last girlfriend was chubby, which I didn’t mind, but not very nice in the end.) While I agree that I’ve been influenced by socialization, I also think it’s more complicated. I associate hard body with hard head and this new lady is super-smart and Midwest-smiley-sweet. The juxtaposition is hard to compute! But I think I’d be down with it if the muscles translated into some urban edgy-ness.

What do you think about this situation? I like the girl, but how do I reconcile my preference for edge regardless of physique when my person is buff and super nice? And, when it comes down to it, how can I get myself turned on by my lady’s hot bod if I’m not so into muscles?

— Wendy

Dear Wendy:

Despite your whining — “Poor me, my girlfriend is too muscular and too nice” — your hooking up with Smiley McBuff was no accident. Ms. Behavior bets that you needed an antidote to your last girlfriend, who was probably a big ol’ mush on the outside but had the soul of a Ginsu knife. Tired of being shredded by Tubby McClaw’s “edge,” you were drawn to someone entirely different this time. Whether or not you know it, you need to lie down at night with someone sweet. And, if you let yourself take in Smiley’s Midwestern sunshine, you may actually grow used to it, and perhaps even come to appreciate her kindness.

Mean girls are a dime a dozen. “Edge” is overrated and better found in friends than lovers. If you need to suffer another edgy girlfriend, perhaps you’ll find one. But if you can give up that fetish, you’ll be better off.

It’s too bad, however, that Smiley’s muscles are being wasted on you. Lots of people would touch and caress and worship them. If you plan to stay with Smiley for a while even though you don’t find muscles hot, maybe you can at least find a way to appreciate the dedication that’s involved in cultivating them. Smiley wants you to like them because she’s worked hard on developing them. Pretend your girlfriend has a garden. You don’t have to love flowers to appreciate the time and effort she’s put into growing them. It will go a long way if once in a while you wrap your fingers (or legs) around her bicep and say, “Wow.”

Dear Ms. Behavior:

My roommate Jim and I are both gender-queer and in the process of transitioning from female to male. We are honest, responsible people, who are quiet and private. We have had difficulty finding an apartment because Jim insists on disclosing our situation before signing a lease. Frankly, even nice middle-of-the-road gay people are freaked out by us once we tell them our story.

My new plan is to apply for rentals as male roommates and not indicate anything about our process of transitioning with treatments and surgery at some point down the road. Are we obligated to tell our landlords about our personal life? Jim is wary about lying and doesn’t want any trouble. I say that the trouble will come from the landlord if we continue to disclose and that soon we will be homeless gender-queers. (For me, the anxiety comes with disclosure.) Who’s right?

— Ray

Dear Ray:

You and Jim are each right for different reasons. You have a right to privacy, if that’s your preference. You’re already living as men; the fact that you’re transitioning is not your landlord’s business. There’s no need to anticipate a future problem, particularly since you have the advantage of being far along in the process. It’s not like you’re signing a lease as a woman and then suddenly growing a goatee and male body hair, in which case you could be more concerned about a potential ignorant and discriminatory reaction to your transitioning.

On the other hand, being “out” will help in the long run. If Jim feels too anxious and considers non-disclosure to be “lying,” it sounds like you and he need to negotiate. If Jim insists that potential landlords know that you’re both transitioning, maybe he can do the prescreening and weed out any discriminatory landlords, sparing you the step that makes you anxious. You can join him when it’s time to sign the lease.

Meryl Cohn is the author of “Do What I Say: Ms. Behavior’s Guide to Gay and Lesbian Etiquette” (Houghton Mifflin). E-mail her at MsBehavior@aol.com or visit www.msbehavior.com.