Outing former lovers for profit
Dear Ms. Behavior:
I have an ethical problem. At summer camp starting 15 years ago, I had a secret relationship with a bunkmate that lasted for three summers before he broke it off. We were in love. Today, this guy is a movie star and way in the closet. No one knows he’s queer. My problem is this: I work two jobs but the pay is crap and I’m strapped for cash. I sold my car to pay off serious business debts but it’s not enough. All I have left of value is a stack of the guy’s love letters and nude pictures of him that he sent me years ago. I know he never expected it could come back to haunt him, but I need money and could make a mint selling the stuff on eBay or to the tabloids. I could blackmail him but that’s illegal. Selling the letters and pictures is my right, I think. I might feel like shit, but I already feel like shit when I see him on TV and I can hardly afford a ticket to his latest movie. I am a fair guy; just desperate and pissed off. He’s a multimillionaire and a fake; I’m honest and broke. What should I do?
— It’s Personal and It’s Business
Dear It’s Personal and It’s Business:
It sucks that you’re having money troubles, but betraying a former friend and lover for financial gain is very scummy business. Perhaps it’s not your job to hold the closet door in place, but who wants to be the type of person who’d make money by selling private love letters and photos from someone who loved and trusted you (and whom you once loved)?
(Of course, if you really need money, you could also publish a tell-all biography, perhaps called “My Summer with Matt” or “Me and Orlando at Camp Starlight,” detailing kisses, handjobs and secret embraces in a musty cabin. But that wouldn’t be nice, would it?)
Legally speaking, the copyright and right to publish a letter belongs to the person who wrote it, not to the recipient. And karmically speaking, such behavior is also not advisable; you’d probably spend the next 17 lifetimes hooking up with amphibians.
Please hold on to your integrity (and your memories) and try to get a better paying job.
Dear Ms. Behavior:
I read your recent response to “Bothered in Butchdom,” which was absolutely wonderful, courageous and much-needed information. As a woman who identifies as a soft butch amongst other things, sometimes you just don’t know how to act or simply be. I must also commend “Bothered in Butchdom” for submitting a question. Keep up with the superb columns!
— Ally
Dear Ms. Behavior:
I recently met a guy while vacationing and after the initial meeting he pursued me. We found out that we had a lot in common, lived in the same city and shared most of the same likes and dislikes. After 14 days of being together every day, he then stopped calling and all of a sudden became extremely busy.
A few days ago we met up and he said that his schedule did not allow him a personal life, so he no longer wanted to see me. Now I’m left with this empty feeling inside. I’m not eating, not wanting to date and truthfully not interested in any other “activities,” which for a gay man is unheard of. What are your suggestions as to how to handle this matter? Am I destined to meet men like this all the time? Is it a game and I don’t know the rules? I hope you can help. I’m alone and confused.
— Constant Fan
Dear Constant Fan:
Don’t take the rejection so personally. It’s not you, it’s him. Maybe he only wanted a vacation fling. Maybe 14 days is his limit. Maybe he’s a fragile little soul who can’t tolerate both sex and intimacy with the same person.
Ms. Behavior does not think you’re destined to meet men like this all the time. Some gay men really do want sex and intimacy all in one package and can even sustain it for more than a fortnight. But next time you meet someone you really like, try to step into it a bit more slowly (instead of latching to each other like leeches or lesbians). Imagine that entering a relationship is like going into the freezing ocean. Don’t be afraid, but start with your toes and get used to the temperature before you plunge all the way in, risking shock and hypothermia and unattractive teeth-chattering. Going slowly in a relationship will protect your heart from shriveling, the same way gradually entering the ocean protects other tender body parts.
Meryl Cohn is the author of “Do What I Say: Ms. Behavior’s Guide to Gay and Lesbian Etiquette” (Houghton Mifflin). E-mail her at MsBehavior@aol.com or visit www.msbehavior.com.