Ms. Behavior
By Meryl Cohn
© 2007 Meryl Cohn

Conquesting butches and bitchy girlfriends

Dear Ms. Behavior:

My girlfriend Molly and I are breaking up, but still living together (in separate bedrooms) until our lease is up next month. We’ve tried to break up six previous times. She usually dumps me until she feels lonely and wants me back. This time the breakup was my idea, and it’s having a strange effect on Molly. She climbs into my bed in the morning and cuddles with me and then wants to have sex. I’ve given into it twice and it hasn’t made me feel good. My friends think she’s just doing it to prove that she can have me any time she wants. They also say the relationship was abusive.

When we’re together, Molly takes me for granted, criticizes me and makes me feel unattractive. But if I muster up the courage to let go, she comes at me with her butch charm. I want to get out of the relationship but I’m afraid I’ll stay. How can I get her to let me go?

— Too Easy

Dear Too Easy:

Molly is exhibiting Butch Conquest Behavior, which occurs when butches switch from feeling relieved and free because the relationship is ending to feeling abandoned because you’re OK with it. The key to successful disentangling is for you to stay as neutral as possible. Stay out of intense conversations but don’t become mean or dismissive, because you’ll only juice her up into some weird seductive state. If she feels rejected or humiliated, or if she can tell that you’re happy to be moving on with your life, she’ll try to “bond” by cuddling and fucking. Emphasize that the breakup is mutual and that you’re joined in a healthy goal. If you can each manage to feel that you’re not being rejected or abandoned, you’ll be able to part without causing each other a lot of pain.

Since your tendency is to relent, try to move before your lease is up, even if you have to stay with a friend. The temptation to be warm and cozy with Molly will probably subside once you’re out of her reach.

Dear Ms. Behavior :

My boyfriend of 17 years invited a friend (W) and one of our employees with whom we are also friends (K) to have a birthday slumber party for W. He did this without mentioning it to me. When I heard the plans from K, I complained and my boyfriend immediately told K it was off, which made it look like I was being a bitch. So I told him to go ahead and have them over. Then he invited W to sleep in my office rather than downstairs with K (in a separate bed). But my office is private and I don’t want anyone sleeping in it. My boyfriend thinks I was a bitch.

By the way, having friends over unannounced is never a problem for me but unannounced visitors and even phone calls almost always annoy my boyfriend.

How do I stop looking like a bitch next to my good-time boyfriend? Or am I just a bitch?

— Bitchy Bitch Bitch

Dear Bitchy Bitch Bitch:

If guests in your office really bug you, buy a sofa bed for your living room and request that it be the sleeping spot for guests. Or, you could do what kids do with their clubhouses: Post a sign on your office door that says “Keep Out.”

Often when there’s a recurring argument in a relationship, the content of the argument doesn’t matter; it’s about each person wanting to be “right” or in control. Your boyfriend feels that you’re rigid and you feel that he doesn’t listen or consider your feelings. This makes it unclear whether you’re actually bitchy or just chronically annoyed by a lack of consideration.

When an issue comes up repeatedly, ask yourself if the issue at stake really matters to you. If it does, try talking about the underlying issue, e.g. that you feel ignored or disrespected, instead of just bickering.

Of course, if when you say “slumber party” you really mean “orgy,” there may be a whole other set of issues that Ms. Behavior hasn’t addressed.

Meryl Cohn is the author of “‘Do What I Say’: Ms. Behavior’s Guide to Gay and Lesbian Etiquette” (Houghton Mifflin). E-mail her at MsBehavior@aol.com or visit www.msbehavior.com.