Welp, Roy Moore (R-Pedophile) lost to Democrat Doug Jones in Alabama, a true Hanukkah miracle, probably prompted from Roy Moore’s wife saying Moore isn’t anti-Semitic because he has a Jew lawyer!
But man are conservatives taking it hard, including Moore himself — who, as of this writing, still hasn’t conceded the race to Jones. Moore is waiting for God to decide, which He will do by sending Jesus back to earth in order to smite Jones supporters with hanging chads and strict voter-ID laws.
Unfortunately for Moore, the joke is on him for not realizing that God is a 14-year-old girl who doesn’t want to touch his private parts.
Even Donald Trump and Steve Bannon have said Moore should accept defeat and move on. After all, the Republican “Sore Winners” brand can’t afford to be tainted by losers.
But not everyone is ready to call Moore a loser. Kevin Swanson, for example, would rather call the people of Alabama the losers. Frantically masturbating losers, at that.
“The 2016 assessment of pornography sites have found that the top-three states that spend the most time in pornography are Mississippi, Alabama and Arkansas,” Swanson said on his radio show Dec. 14.
[Side note: The 2016 Assessment of Pornography Sites was an initiative spearheaded by Jeff Sessions after he was shocked to learn that black men could not only vote, but they could also look at daguerreotypes of naked white ladies on the Internet machine.]
“As we consider the reasons why a state would tip toward Doug Jones,” Swanson continues, “we’ve got to conclude that that state probably has significant sexual problems, especially since Doug Jones is so in favor of sexual perversion, transgenderism and homosexuality. Evidently, the state of Alabama must have a problem with sexuality.”
Yes, a state where more than 650,000 people vote for a man who has multiple women accusing him of being a sex creep to them when they were teenagers and who was BANNED FROM THE MALL for sex-creep behavior definitely does have a problem with sexuality — especially a woman’s right to control her own.
It is amazing that Swanson can utter the words, “Doug Jones is so in favor of sexual perversion” out loud and not instantly disappear into a poof of sex-offender dust.
“There’s a problem with hypocrisy in this country that goes very, very deep,” Swanson says without irony. “Unless there is a spiritual awakening, I think these conservative states are going to become liberal in their moral values within another five, 10 or 20 years.”
I vote for five years, though even that feels like too long.
“By the way, the top porn search word in Alabama and Mississippi is ‘lesbian,’” Swanson reveals. “So another indication that the father’s generation is dabbling in porn, the children’s generation will go head-over-heels for some of the most egregious sexual crimes that men ever engage in.”
Weird, but not making Swanson’s list of “egregious sexual crimes” for some reason is making a 14-year-old girl touch your 30-year-old dick.
“If the fathers are doing pornography, the kids are going to turn into homosexuals,” Swanson says. “The fathers will hide their sin and the children will come out of the closet with it.”
There’s so much wrong with that claim. What does Swanson mean by “doing pornography”? Are “the fathers” porno actors? Is he saying that dads who do porno will have kids who will one day stumble onto their Dad Porn and the act of watching it will make them gay? That’s not how that works. Then again, if Swanson wanted to drastically cut the amount of porn the next generation watches, having as many of their dads as possible doing porn would be a good way to accomplish that.
So get out there and do porn, dads. For the sake of the children.
D’Anne Witkowski is a poet, writer and comedian living in Michigan with her wife and son. She has been writing about LGBT politics for over a decade. Follow her on Twitter @MamaDWitkowski.