You know those online ads that promise, “One weird trick to lose belly fat” next to an image of, say, a crudely drawn banana? Even if you don’t know what exactly those ads are trying to communicate, you know not to click them.
But not Grandpa Robertson. And he didn’t even need to click to know it was trying to trick him into recognizing the “weird way” gays “do sex.”
On the Feb. 25 episode of “The 700 Club,” racist/homophobic-grandpa-for-hire Pat Robertson discussed the City of Philadelphia’s legal dispute with Catholic Social Services, an agency that handles foster placements for children, but will not do so for same-sex couples. Since the agency’s practice is against Philadelphia’s non-discrimination policy, its contract was not renewed.
Robertson thinks this is appalling and that it violates the God-given right of Catholic Social Services to discriminate against lesbians and gays. And the very fact that lesbians, gays and their allies have the audacity to complain is proof that they’re out for blood. Weird sex blood. Or something.
“The incredible thing about the homosexuals is they are willing to destroy lives and destroy the whole fabric of society so long as they and their weird way of doing sex is legitimized,” Robertson said. “They’re willing to tear down the entire edifice in order to have the majority of people recognize the way they do sex, that’s what it amounts to.”
Is it, though? Is “weird sex” really what this all amounts to? Well, of course it is if you don’t think that gays and lesbians are actually human and capable of forming long-term loving relationships and creating safe and nurturing home environments for children. I mean, if when you see a gay man all you see is an anthropomorphic demon penis or when you see a lesbian you just see a vagina monster, then I guess I can see why you’d be afraid to let them take care of kids.
But, of course, there’s one weird trick to getting over your irrational fear of lesbians and gays: visualize them as fully human. When you meet a gay man, say to yourself, “He’s more than just a penis, he’s more than just a penis. ...” Then ask yourself why you’re so obsessed with gay penises and how maybe, just maybe, that says a lot more about you than him.
You could also try engaging someone you believe to be gay or lesbian in conversation. You could say something like, “Hello. How are you?” or “Gee, it sure is cold/hot today!” You can then ask, “Does your life amount to more than doing weird sex?” And they’ll likely say, “Yes,” or possibly stop talking to you altogether because, seriously, what is wrong with you?
One of the most fascinating parts of Robertson’s philosophy is that he argues that gays are destroying all that’s good and holy, while at the same time arguing that there are hardly any gays at all.
“One percent, ladies and gentleman, get it? One percent of the country, from what we understand, are lesbian, 2 percent are homosexual. And that is all. And yet that 2 percent and 1 percent are taking charge of the rest of us because they’re so vocal and so authoritative and they apparently dominate these legislative bodies.”
Got that? Hardly any homos to speak of, but who runs the world? Gays. Lesbians and gays are just so darn powerful that they run the whole country, which is why Trump is ... wait a minute.
OK, either the gays are doing a very bad job dominating the government, or, and hear me out, maybe Robertson is just making shit up because he’s a harmful old man?
Robertson continued, “I think if Christians begin to speak out and insist that if some politician goes along with the gay agenda that they’re going to be voted out of office, [politicians will] start saying, ‘We want to listen to the majority of the people in our society.’ Until they do, that small minority is going to be dominating everything we do and every aspect of our lives.”
If only Christians had a voice in this country! If only there was some way Christians could meet in, like, groups. Maybe in special buildings. And they could establish specific days for, like, nationwide celebration. And maybe the whole thing could be tax exempt. I’m not sure what you’d call that or if we’ll ever see such a thing realized in America. Perhaps someday Christians will be able to withstand the LGBTQ tyranny that forces everyone to say, “Merry Penis” and “Vagina Bless America.”
D’Anne Witkowski is a poet, writer and comedian living in Michigan with her wife and son. She has been writing about LGBT politics for over a decade. Follow her on Twitter @MamaDWitkowski.