Thanks to Fred Phelps and his Westboro Baptist thugs, everybody knows that God hates fags. But you know what else God hates? Birds and fish. Because of the fags.
At least that’s what Cindy Jacobs says in a video she posted online Jan. 5.
Jacobs, along with her husband Mike, runs Generals International, a ministry “devoted to training in prayer and spiritual warfare.” She calls herself a prophet and claims that people are always turning to her for insight when crazy shit happens.
Take, for instance, that whole alarming incident with the thousands of blackbirds falling dead out of the sky in Arkansas on New Year’s Eve. Spooky. No one knows why it happened, or why three days later hundreds more blackbirds fell out of the sky in Louisiana. Or why, a few days after that, thousands of dead fish washed up on an Arkansas shore. But Jacobs has a good theory: the gays.
Not that the gays themselves killed the birds and fish, but that God killed the birds and fish because God was pissed off about gays, specifically the repeal of “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell.”
“According to biblical principles, marriage is between a man and a woman, so we have to say, ‘What happens when a nation makes a decision that’s against God’s principles?’” she asks while wearing a purple leopard-print jacket. “Well, often what happens is that nature itself will begin to talk to us. And you know there are actually some patterns that you can see where a nation will make a decision that is contrary to the principles of God and after that there is some kind of answer that God gives — being the God of creation, the God who created nature.”
The problem, however, is that “we don’t always understand what he’s saying.” Which is where Jacobs comes in: to sort it all out for us and come to the sanest possible conclusion. Did I mention she calls herself a prophet?
“Let’s talk about this Arkansas pattern and say, could it be a pattern? We’re going to watch and see,” she continues. “But the blackbirds fell to the ground in Beebe, Ark. Well, the governor of Arkansas’ name is Beebe. And also, there was something put out of Arkansas called ‘Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell’ by a former governor ... Bill Clinton.”
She then asks if there could be a connection between the Hosea 4 in the Bible, where God gets pissed at folks in Israel who are killing and stealing and sleeping around and declares that everyone there is going to waste away and die along with all of the animals, including “the birds of the air” and “the fish of the sea.”
“And so,” Jacobs asks, “could there be a connection between [Hosea 4] and now that we’ve had the repeal of the ‘Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell,’ where people now legally in the United States have broken restraints with the Scripture because the Scripture says in Romans 1 that homosexuality is not allowed?”
Huh, could there be? Hey, I don’t know, lady. You’re the prophet.
“It could be because we have said it’s OK for people who commit these kinds of acts to be recognized in our military for the first time in our history. There is a potential that there is something that actually happened in the land where a hundred thousand drum fish died and also where these birds just fell out of the air,” she says.
Sure. Because it totally makes sense that God would be all, “I don’t want homos in the United States military! I am so pissed off I could kill a few thousand birds and some more thousand fish to teach those gays a lesson.” And then school children could look on in horror and vow to never become gay soldiers. Amen.
D’Anne Witkowski has been gay for pay since 2003. She’s a freelance writer and poet (believe it!). When she’s not taking on the creeps of the world, she reviews rock ’n’ roll shows in Detroit with her twin sister.