Hello. My name is Morrissey. You might remember me as the singer from a band called The Smiths, whose music was probably the soundtrack of many hours of cigarette smoking, self-pitying and drama-club parties during your awkward and lonely years in high school and/or college. Good times. Please stop asking for a reunion, as I am just content enough releasing solo albums and beating my fans over the head with my beliefs about animal rights and vegetarianism while keeping my sexuality a closely guarded secret on par with the formula for Coca-Cola, KFC’s original recipe and the blueprints for a suitcase nuke. Please buy my new record, “Years of Refusal.” It is huge in the U.K. Then come see me perform at 8 p.m. March 22 at Kimmel’s Academy of Music, 240 S. Broad St. I might sneer in your general direction. React accordingly or I will pout. Call this number for tickets: (215) 790-5847. Why am I holding this baby? My name is Morrissey and I approve this message. Photo: Jake Walters
WHAT THE HELL IS NEXT, ‘DRIVING MISS DAISY: THE MUSICAL’?: Please call all your white heterosexual friends and ask them to stop romanticizing the 1950s so we won’t have to keep seeing sugary bullshit productions like “Happy Days: A New Musical” pass through town every six months. Isn’t it bad enough that we have 100 productions of “Grease” in constant rotation? But, whatever. If you’re the type who is nostalgic for the era of time before civil rights and before music and film started to get really good, go see The Fonz and company do their thing March 24-29 at Kimmel’s Academy of Music, 240 S. Broad St. For tickets, call (215) 790-5847.
THEATER Born Yesterday
The Walnut Street Theatre presents one of America’s original screwball comedies, about a business tycoon who goes to Washington, D.C., trying to break into the “special-interest” business with an ethically challenged senator, through April 26, 825 Walnut St.; (215) 574-3550.
The Berenstain Bears’ Family Matters
If you have small children and want to teach them stuff without actually having to talk to them, point their cherub-like faces at this show based on the successful book characters, through April 4 at the Walnut Street Theatre, 825 Walnut St.; (215) 574-3550.
Bus Stop
The Players Club of Swarthmore Theater presents William Inge’s classic romantic comedy about an unlikely group of characters thrown together in Grace’s small-town diner during a howling snowstorm, through March 28, 614 Fairview Ave., Swarthmore; (866) 811-4111.
Defiance
Bristol Riverside Theatre presents the Philadelphia-area premiere of the second play in Pulitzer Prize winner John Patrick Shanley’s trilogy, which began with “Doubt,” March 24-April 12, 120 Radcliffe St., Bristol; (215) 785-0100.
The Irish and How They Got That Way
The Kimmel Center presents an irreverent but affectionate history of the Irish in America that mingles laughter and sentiment in a tapestry of classical songs and stories as told by Pulitzer Prize-winning author Frank McCourt, through March 29 at Kimmel’s Innovation Studio, 260 S. Broad St.; (215) 790-5847.
Iron Kisses
The heartfelt and often funny exploration of the relationships between parents runs through April 5 at Act II Playhouse, 56 E. Butler Ave., Ambler; (215) 654-0200.
The Karma Cookie
1812 Productions presents a comedy following two British brothers around the globe on their quest for enlightenment ... sort of, through March 29 at The Adrienne Theatre, 2030 Sansom St.; (215) 592-9560.
Ladies in Retirement
The Stagecrafters in Chestnut Hill present the psychological mystery-thriller by Edward Percy and Reginald Denham, through March 21, 8130 Germantown Ave.; (215) 247-8881.
The Prisoner of Second Avenue
The Walnut Street Theatre and Isis productions present the Neil Simon comedy, through March 29 at Studio 5, 825 Walnut St.; (215) 574-3550.
Scorched
The Wilma Theater presents the East Coast premiere of the epic drama/mystery by acclaimed Lebanese-Canadian playwright Wajdi Mouawad, through March 29, 265 S. Broad St.; (215) 546-7824.
Six Degrees of Separation
The dark and witty play explores themes of the New York elite, racial tensions, homophobia, homelessness, obsession with status and relationships between parents and children, through March 22 at Tri-County Performing Arts Center, 245 E. High St., Pottstown; (610) 970-1199.
William Shakespeare’s Land of the Dead
Shakespeare fights zombies in the East Coast premiere production, through March 28 at Plays and Players Theater, 1714 Delancey Place; (215) 735-0630.
A Year with Frog and Toad
Arden Theatre Company presents the revival of the smash-hit musical based on the Newbery- and Caldecott-honored children’s books by Arnold Lobel, through April 19 at 40 N. Second St.; (215) 922-1122.
MUSIC classical The Firebird
The Philadelphia Orchestra presents Charles Dutoit bringing together a mixture of French and Russian sounds, 8 p.m. March 21 and 24 and 2 p.m. March 22 at Kimmel’s Verizon Hall, 260 S. Broad St.; (215) 790-5847.
Gil Shaham Returns
The Philadelphia Orchestra celebrates the beginning of spring with special concerts at 8 p.m. March 26-28 and 2 p.m. March 29 at Kimmel’s Verizon Hall, 260 S. Broad St.; (215) 790-5847.
MUSIC other Doug E. Fresh and Slick Rick
The old-school hip-hop acts unite at 8 p.m. March 20 at the Trocadero Theatre, 1003 Arch St.; (215) 922-5483.
That ’80s Show
The Philadelphia Gay Men’s Chorus performs a concert featuring some of the decade’s biggest hits, 8 p.m. March 20-21 and 2 p.m. March 21 at Prince Music Theater, 1412 Chestnut St.; (215) 569-9700.
Saffire The Uppity Blues Women: Farewell Tour
The group celebrates its 25th anniversary and farewell tour at 7:30 p.m. March 21 at World Cafe Live, 3025 Walnut St.; (215) 222-1710.
Peek-a-boo Revue
Philadelphia’s hardest-working burlesque troupe performs at 10:30 p.m. March 21 at World Cafe Live, 3025 Walnut St.; (215) 222-1710.
The Fab Faux
The Beatles tribute band performs “Sgt. Pepper’s Lonely Hearts Club Band” at 8 p.m. March 21 at Keswick Theatre, 291 N. Keswick Ave., Glenside; (215) 572-7650.
One Night of Queen
The Queen tribute band performs at 8 p.m. March 22 at Keswick Theatre, 291 N. Keswick Ave., Glenside; (215) 572-7650.
Idina Menzel
The Tony Award-winning actress and singer best known for her roles in “Rent” and “Wicked” performs at 8 p.m. March 25 at Keswick Theatre, 291 N. Keswick Ave., Glenside; (215) 572-7650.
EXHIBITS Assembled Abstractions
AxD Gallery presents an exhibition of original paintings by Barbara Klein and Michael Smith, through April 25, 265 S. 10th St.; (215) 627-6250.
Impressions of an Age: Ukiyo-e Prints from the Berman Collection
The Philip and Muriel Berman Museum of Art at Ursinus College presents an exhibition of woodblock print (ukiyo-e) art made popular during Japan’s Edo Period, through April 17, 601 E. Main St., Collegeville;
(610) 409-3500.
Ion Zupcu: Works on Paper
Gallery 339 presents an exhibition of still-life photography, through May 16, 339 S. 21st St.; (215) 731-1530.
L’arte d’alluminar
Haverford College Library Special Collections presents an exhibition of illustrations of Dante’s “Divine Comedy,” through April 22, 370 Lancaster Ave., Haverford; (610) 896-1161.
Making Arrangements
Wexler Gallery presents a solo exhibition of new sculptural works by the Vancouver-based ceramic artist Dirk Staschke, through April 25, 201 N. Third St.; (215) 923-7030.
The Many Faces of Stereotypes
Verdadism Art Gallery hosts an exhibition of New York-born artist Soraida’s new series of drawings, through April 30, 220 S. Berlin Road, Lindenwold, N.J.; (856) 346-3131.
Sendak on Sendak
The Rosenbach Museum and Library hosts an exhibition exploring the work of gay artist/author Maurice Sendak, through May 3 at 2008-10 Delancey Place; (215) 732-1600.
Yuichi Hibi: Neco
Gallery 339 presents Hibi’s photographic exhibition that evokes the menace, beauty and mystery of urban landscapes at night, through May 16, 339 S. 21st St.; (215) 731-1530.
DANCE Cinderella
The Pennsylvania Ballet presents the rags-to-riches story through March 21 at Kimmel’s Academy of Music, 240 S. Broad St.; (215) 790-5847.
Japanese Dance Workshop
Kabuki dancer and long-time Taiko drumming instructor Isaburo Hanayagi conducts educational workshops on various aspects of Japanese performance, 6:30 p.m. March 24 at Painted Bride Art Center, 230 Vine St.; (215) 925-9914.
FILM Looney Tunes
Ninety minutes of Looney Tunes cartoons from the Warner Bros. vaults are screened at 2 p.m. March 21 at The Colonial Theatre, 227 Bridge St., Phoenixville; (610) 917-0223.
The Thomas Crown Affair
The 1968 caper film starring Steve McQueen is screened at 2 p.m. March 22 at The Colonial Theatre, 227 Bridge St., Phoenixville; (610) 917-0223.
In a Dream
The Philadelphia Jewish Film Festival presents the documentary chronicling the work and life of artist Isaiah Zagar, who has spent the last four decades covering more than 50,000 square feet of Philadelphia with stunning glass mosaic murals, at 8 p.m. March 21 at the Gershman Y, 401 S. Broad St.; (215) 790-1042.
Twilight
The 2008 teen vampire film is screened at 8 p.m. March 23 at the Trocadero Theatre, 1003 Arch St.; (215) 922-5483.
BOOKS Sarah Dunn
The author of “Secrets to Happiness” hosts a book event at 7:30 p.m. March 23 at Central Library, 1901 Vine St.; (215) 686-5322.
Germaine Greer
The feminist author of “Shakespeare’s Wife” hosts a book event at 7:30 p.m. March 24 at Central Library, 1901 Vine St.; (215) 686-5322.
Yu Hua
The Chinese author of “Brothers” hosts a book event at 6:30 p.m. March 25 at Central Library, 1901 Vine St.; (215) 686-5322.
Brian Rafferty
The author of “Don’t Stop Believin’: How Karaoke Conquered the World and Changed My Life” talks about his personal karaoke experiences and his visits to karaoke joints around the world, at 7 p.m. March 26 at Easttown Library, 720 First Ave., Berwyn; (610) 644-0138.
AUDITIONS Frontline Philly’s Dance Review Showcase
Frontline Philly is holding informal auditions March 20 and 27 for dancers from all genres for a June 6 showcase to highlight up-and-coming artists, performers and choreographers. For information and locations, contact Frontlinephilly@gmail.com.
CABARET Andrew Suvalsky
The openly gay award-winning jazz singer performs at 8:30 p.m. March 21 at Harlans Cabaret, 6426 Lower York Road, New Hope; (215) 862-5225.
The Martha Graham Cracker Cabaret
The raucous cabaret starring the world’s tallest hairy drag queen kicks off at 8 p.m. March 26 at L’Etage, 624 S. Sixth St.; (215) 592-0656.
ETC Greg Fitzsimmons
The comic best known for his work on VH1’s “Best Week Ever” performs March 20-21 at Helium Comedy Club, 2031 Sansom St.; (215) 496-9001.
Spring Pink Pub Crawl
The gay barhopping event, with stops at The Bike Stop, Woody’s and Pure, kicks off at 9 p.m. March 21 at Tavern on Camac, 243 S. Camac St.; (215) 545-0900.
Kate Clinton
The out comedian and activist performs at 8 p.m. March 23 at Harrison Auditorium at the University of Pennsylvania Museum, 3260 South St.; (215) 898-4000.
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