It was a prosperous time when the world was flush with oil money, Internet millionaires, the lies of a corrupt political party and a booming housing market with no end in sight. The world stood up and took notice of our celebration of all things worthy and fabulous in the City of Brotherly Love and the people rejoiced.
But that was a different time. It’s 2009 and the world has changed — and the Pink Penny Awards have changed with it.
Now at a healthy three years of age, the Pink Penny Awards have ceased being the cute and precious child of light, rainbows and designer fashions they once were and have transitioned into a precocious, vengeful and egotistical little hellion drunk on power and juice boxes, running amok through the city as if it were their own personal Chuck E Cheese’s.
It was with that mindset that we, the trusted PGN staff, racked our caffeine-stimulated brains and threw our exhausted carcasses back and forth across the city through the dark of frigid nights and merciless hordes of unwashed masses as we slaved over our categories and winners.
In the process, we lost a lot of blood, friends, brain cells and innocence. And we might have to self-medicate for the next month or so. But it was all worth it. And if you happen to disagree with our 2 cents, that’s OK. We’d like to see you try and do better.
So sit back, shut up and take your medicine, Philly.
LIVING GOODBYE (Local): Robin’s Bookstore
Personally, we don’t mind places like Circuit City or Tower Records going belly-up, but when an independent store that went above and beyond the call of duty to promote all kinds of literary finds has to scale back its retail operations, it really hurts. Note we said scaled back: Robin’s Books and Moonstone Arts Center is at 110aS. 13th St., on the second floor, selling used books and hosting readings.
GOODBYE (National): Prosperity
It’s funny. Living off Top Ramen, Easy Mac and peanut-butter sandwiches, shopping at Wal-Mart and collecting loose change to put gas in the car seemed so much more romantic when we were in college. It’s enough to make you bitter. Some of us are too damn old to be calling our parents for movie money.
GOOD RIDDANCE (Local): Snow
Thank heavens it’s finally spring. No more automotive Ice Capades on the side streets, black-slush-encrusted parking spaces and road salt all over our cars and shoes.
GOOD RIDDANCE (National): George W. Bush
We’re really not all that surprised that ol’ W pimped for Big Oil, was a lap-dog for the religious right, displayed the intelligence of a sea monkey and managed to drop the ball on things like Katrina, the environment, civil liberties, etc. But we are amazed that somehow, someway, he managed to torpedo his own political party and most of the über-rich that he took a secret Illuminati blood oath to protect. And then the dumb SOB didn’t even have the presence of mind to blame it all on Cheney on his way out.
BEST THING ABOUT THE RECESSION: Watching rich people bitch about their money troubles
Don’t get us wrong: If you bought a million-dollar McMansion that is all of a sudden worth $250,000, we feel your pain. But every time a news report airs about the upper 10 percent not being able to afford to keep their yachts or put gas in their private jets, we have a hearty laugh and an angel gets its wings.
BEST LGBT TRIUMPH: Dustin Lance Black’s acceptance speech at the Oscars
It was classy, heartfelt and politically charged at the same time. Stick that in your hookah and smoke it, Bollywood!
BEST SCANDAL (Local): Vincent Fumo
Final Score:
Fumo: 0
Federal Grand Jury: 137
You would have thought Fumo could have sidestepped at least one of those charges.
BEST SCANDAL (National): Bernie Madoff
How do you steal $50 billion over 20 years and not have an escape plan? It takes a level of vision and a large set of brass balls to pull something off like that. And by now, Madoff should have been sitting in a pimped-out fortress inside a hollowed-out volcano on an uncharted island, drinking champagne and laughing maniacally while stroking a white cat wearing a diamond-encrusted collar. But thankfully, the monumentally greedy crook is sitting in jail, wondering which federal prison he’ll get to die inside of while his family gets sued back into the Stone Age.
BEST COMEBACK: Britney Spears
Robert Downey Jr. and Mickey Rourke may have clawed their way back to the top, but they had a large reservoir of talent to draw upon for their comebacks. But Brit makes it look so easy: Grow your hair back, put on some underwear, make album and tour. Bang! Welcome back! She may not be singing live, writing her own songs or looking after her kids but, damn it, she looks good, and those alimony/child support checks to The Federline aren’t going to write themselves.
BEST EXAMPLE OF PHILLY NEEDING TO STEP UP ITS GAME: SEPTA during the Phillies’ Victory Parade
Last Halloween, Philadelphia, extremely high off the Phillies’ World Series victory and fresh on the heels of the impromptu moonlight street fair/near-riot that erupted after the winning game, decided to throw a victory party on Broad Street. They invited a million people. An estimated 2 million showed up and found out that Philadelphia did not make enough potato salad for this picnic. SEPTA choked mightily — which might not have been surprising if not for the fact that the city told everyone things would go much smoother if people used SEPTA that day. Now, we aren’t blaming SEPTA for stranding already-drunk people in the city for hours (we wouldn’t let them in our car either). We’re just saying don’t be surprised when you invite someone to a party and then they show up.
BEST WAY TO GET AROUND PHILLY: SEPTA
Without bringing up old wounds, have you tried driving in the city on a Friday night? Going 10 blocks takes 30 minutes. And then you have to find parking. By the time we park, we are testy, hungry and late. Had we taken SEPTA, we wouldn’t have to worry about crazy cab drivers stopping in the middle of the street, the meter hikes and getting a spot close enough.
BEST REASON TO COME DOWNTOWN: Avenue of the Arts
Because $50 steaks and $100 theater tickets are the best way to forget about the financial crunch the city is in.
BEST REASON TO MOVE TO THE ’BURBS: Parking
Philly’s Parking Authority is so ruthless, relentless and badass that it has its own TV show on A&E called “Evil Bureaucratic Wageslaves Who Spread Street-level Misery to other Wageslaves.” Actually, the show is called “Parking Wars,” but you get the point. What other show would have you rooting for the guy who’s trying to foil an effort to put a boot on his prized 1986 Cutlass Supreme?
BEST CONDO: Western Union, 1111 Locust St.; (215) 928-9100, www.westernunionbuilding.com
You can actually hear the theme to “The Jeffersons” playing inside your head when you walk into this modern but classy condo complex. But we’re just visiting. So when we leave and hear the theme from “Good Times” play in our heads, we get a little teary-eyed.
BEST VIEW: Ben Franklin Bridge
Usually, when you drive over the Ben Franklin, you pay no mind to the view. You are too busy worrying about the jerk in the next lane trying to change lanes without signaling. But traverse it on foot (or two wheels) on a clear morning and you can soak in the visual glory of Center City and the Delaware. Who knew the city could look this good?
BEST POLITICIAN (Local): Gov. Ed Rendell
Don’t let it go to your head, Ed. In this instance, we are using “politician” as a “person experienced in the art or science of government” (www.m-w.com). As in, one who plays the game of politics. While we appreciate what the governor has done for the community in the past, we think it’s time he uses his politicking skills and political capital to further the statewide nondiscrimination bill. What do you have to lose, Governor?
BEST POLITICIAN (National): Barack Obama
His kung fu is better than yours. Plus, do you think any other politician would have given a shout-out to the gays in his or her election-victory speech?
BEST CELEBRITY ‘WHAT THE F%&K!’ MOMENT: Chris Brown/Rihanna
Ladies! You almost had a woman running the country last year (one step forward). Now a major pop star is getting beat down on the streets of Hollywood on Grammy weekend (two steps back). Please, get your shit together. Hold an emergency feminist meeting and get Rihanna a new boyfriend. And while you’re at it, please have a word with whomever the hell is signing up for shows like “Flavor of Love,” “Rock of Love” and “The Bachelor.”
BEST GAY CAMPUS HANGOUT: The LGBT Center at Penn
The longstanding LGBT Center is almost good enough to make us want to go back to school. But then again, what would we do with better degrees, higher-paying jobs and a more focused sense of purpose?
DINING, BARS & CLUBS BEST BRUNCH: Valanni, 1229 Spruce St.; (215) 790-9494
Ah ... brunch. An event that combines the most important meal of the day with alcoholic beverages. Valanni elevates brunch far beyond the standard ho-hum egg dishes, muffins and mimosas most places offer and jazzes it up with the likes of lemon ricotta pancakes, poached eggs with lump crab, Kobe beef burgers and Brazilian pop. It makes us not want to sleep through Sunday.
BEST CHEESESTEAK: Tony Luke Jr.’s, 118 S. 18th St.; (215) 568-4630
The area’s hellish traffic is worth it for the non-greasy slab of arterial roulette that is Philly’s signature sandwich. You never have to worry about the meat eating through the bread like alien blood and the toppings are the freshest around. The sides are especially superior as well. Don’t even try to cut in front of us in line.
BEST SUSHI: Haru’s Rainbow Roll, 241-243 Chestnut St.; (215) 861-8990
Even though we like to get adventurous with our sushi eating and go for the more exotic-sounding fare on the menu, we kind of have to try the rainbow roll wherever we find it (for obvious reasons). We’re pretty jaded by them as a whole, so we were shocked when Haru’s tasty offering knocked us off our chairs. Their menagerie of fresh fish has us hooked. We might have to check into rehab to stop eating them.
BEST TAPAS: Amada, 217-219 Chestnut St.; (215) 625-2450
The menu can be a little pricey, but damn, it’s worth it! Amada is the type of place where you want to have a party of at least four people at your table because, with all the sumptuous items offered, you’re going to want to hit every corner of the menu (snaking a bite from sharing with your companions, of course), from the lamb meatballs to the grilled baby squid. Bring a healthy appetite.
BEST MEXICAN RESTAURANT: Pico de Gallo, 1501 South St.; (215) 772-3003
There’s something about Pico’s quaint and somewhat cramped confines that keeps us coming back. Oh, right. It’s the margaritas. We love them. So much so that we have to eat there just to stave off brain freeze and alcohol poisoning. The delectable shrimp quesadilla and a healthy helping of chips and salsa soak up the tequila quite nicely.
BEST THAI: Café de Laos, 1117 S. 11th St.; (215) 467-1546
We are often prone to a debilitating jones for Thai food here at the offices of PGN. And for our hard-earned dollars, Café de Laos is the place to go for reasonably priced bundles of aggressively spicy Thai goodness. If you like your food on the bland side of the spectrum, you might want to sit this one out.
BEST NEW (TO US) ETHNIC THAT WE ARE NOW OBSESSED WITH: Banana Leaf, 1009 Arch St.; (215) 592-8288
We’re really angry with ourselves that we didn’t find this place sooner. All this time we’ve been eating $5 foot-longs when we could have been bombarding our taste buds with the spicy Malaysian and Japanese fare that Banana Leaf prepares quite masterfully every day. Ugh ... We hate ourselves so much.
BEST NEW STEAKHOUSE: Union Trust Steakhouse, 717 Chestnut St.; (215) 925-6000
This is proof that God is a carnivore. And this is our new church. And, like church, Union Trust requires respectable attire and a decent amount of fiscal fluidity (read: money). But, sticker shock be damned, any place where you can select steak and oysters based on their pedigree is too fussy not to be the most decadent eating experience you can have. If anyone is lucky enough to land one of the restaurant’s very-exclusive Vertical Steak Tastings, let us know how it is.
BEST PLACE TO CARB-RELOAD AFTER A RUN: Marathon Grill, various locations; www.marathongrill.com
Sometimes we are so spent after a weekend workout that we barely have the strength to go home and open a can of soup. So we drain our last energy reserves to crawl into the Marathon Grill, haul our strained and sore bodies onto a chair and croak out an order for a hearty whole-wheat waffle with walnuts and bananas. When we’re done, we have enough energy to make it through the rest of the day and, amazingly, commit ourselves to run a few more miles next week.
BEST REASON TO VISIT REHOBOTH BEACH: Seafood Shack, 42 Baltimore Ave., Rehoboth Beach, Del.; (302) 227-5881
We know most people go to the beach for, well, the beach. But after you’ve put your toes in the frigid water, the Seafood Shack is the place to go. No-nonsense food, drink and entertainment are always on the menu and the service is always satisfying.
BEST PLACE TO WI-FI IN THE GAYBORHOOD: Joe Coffee, 1100 Walnut St.; (215) 592-7384
It’s unfortunate that Starbucks has a chokehold on our collective wallet. Especially when there are great independent coffee shops like Joe Coffee serving up fair-trade brews with a conscience. Besides, Joe Coffee hosts an LGBT game night every second Tuesday of the month. When was the last time you played a good game of Scrabble? Like, really good, where you laid down a word like “quiz” on a triple-word score for 66 points? Just asking.
BEST PLACE TO WI-FI OUTSIDE THE GAYBORHOOD: Mugshots Coffee House and Café, 2100 Fairmount Ave.; (267) 514-7145
If we could make crème-brûlé lattes in our home offices, we’d never leave the house during daylight hours. Fortunately, Mugshots has that and more in its coffee-shop arsenal to draw us out of hiding yet keep us productive. Besides that, Mugshots serves up fair-trade coffee, supports local farms and recycles nigh on everything. Take that, Starbucks.
BEST MARTINI: Mexican peach martini at Bump, 1234 Locust St.; (215) 732-1800
If you find a better martini in the city, you call us. Really, we mean it. We’re probably going to argue with you about it and say some things we really don’t mean about you and your family. But if you really, seriously think you have found a better martini in the city, let us know and we will drink one or a half-dozen of them and then call you drunk in the middle of the night, yelling because you were either right or wrong about it being the best martini, but we’re still pissed at you for doubting us in the first place. But that’s how we roll. We hang out with presidents. Don’t mess with us! (Oh, what, we weren’t supposed to try them out before writing this?)
BEST BEER: Founder’s Breakfast Stout at Monk’s, 264 S. 16th St.; (215) 545-7005
Beer and coffee and chocolate? For real? Did Willy Wonka crawl inside our heads and decide to go into the adult-beverage industry? How else could Monk’s defend the tasty Founder’s Breakfast Stout? You can do what you want to do, but some of us could drink this tasty brew until we’re drunk enough to see oompa loompas.
BEST UPSCALE BAR: XIX Nineteen, Park Hyatt Philadelphia at the Bellevue, 200 S. Broad St., 19th floor; (215) 790-1919
Because sometimes we like to take our friends out for a drink and make them think we’re better off than we actually are. The next night, the suit is back on a hanger and we’re back to dollar drafts and wing specials.
BEST DIVE BAR: Bob & Barbara’s, 1509 South St.; (215) 545-4511
This place is a John Waters movie waiting to happen. With its cheap thrills and its even cheaper drink prices, Bob & Barbara’s is the kind of unapologetic down-and-dirty watering hole that we hope never goes out of style in this world chock full of single-syllable-named bars with the fu-fu drinks and all the rough edges sanded down to a dull shine.
BEST DIVE BAR (TAKING A STAB AT A RECOVERY): Sal’s on 12th, 200 S. 12th St.; (215) 731-9930
Overheard somewhere: “If the movie ‘Roadhouse’ was set in Philadelphia ... ”
BEST BARTENDER: Tony at Uncles, 1220 Locust St.; (215) 546-6600
Overheard on numerous occasions: “He’s adorable.” But aside from that, he is about as friendly and attentive as you can get for someone who has to spend his nights dealing with drunks.
BEST HAPPY HOUR: Triumph Brewing Company, 117 Chestnut St.; (215) 625-0855
When you need to unwind, there are few places that can compete with Triumph Brewing Company’s modern but laidback décor, tasty selection of beers (we often can’t decide between the Gothic Ale and the Coffee and Cream Stout) and penchant for hosting live music and DJs.
BEST PLACE TO BE DURING LAST CALL: Stir, 1705 Chancellor St.; (215) 735-2900
Maybe it’s the décor, the excellent DJs or its proximity to Rittenhouse Square, but there’s something about Stir that makes still being in a bar at 1:45 a.m., trying to make something, anything, happen through a martini-goggle haze seem less pathetic than it normally is.
BEST PLACE TO BE IN BETWEEN HAPPY HOUR AND LAST CALL: Sisters, 1320 Chancellor St.; (215) 735-0735
It’s easy to win us over at happy hour because we just left work and, by last call, we like any place with beer on tap that isn’t playing Nickelback or T.I. It’s the space in between that makes a club worthwhile. Night after night, whether we’re kicking back to catch a game on a big screen, screeching out a Pink song on Karaoke Night or shaking our asses on the dance floor, the good people at Sisters make us glad we decided not to stay home. And if that’s not enough entertainment, we can always count on people-watching.
BEST PLACE FOR A FIRST DATE: Tavern on Camac, 243 S. Camac St.; (215) 545-0900
Tucked away on tiny Camac Street, TOC has lots to offer in a relatively small space. You can have an intimate dinner downstairs at The Underground, soak in the music at the piano bar or dance at the upstairs club bar. With all of these options, you’re covered if you want to hear what your date has to say — or completely avoid all conversation.
BEST PLACE TO FIND A SUGAR DADDY: Knock, 225 S. 12th St.; (215) 925-1166
Dancing shirtless in a cage on a smoke-filled dance floor might be good at netting you a free drink, and maybe dinner or breakfast, but you have to class it up a bit if you want that student loan paid off.
BEST FUNDRAISING BAR: The Bike Stop, 206 S. Quince St.; (215) 627-1662
Don’t let all the leather, beer and bears fool you. Recently, it seems that every other charity event is at The Bike Stop. We know that can’t really be the case, but kudos to them for hosting events for worthy causes.
BEST PLACE TO ROCK YOUR I. GOLDBERG ENSEMBLE WHILE YOU WAIT FOR THE REPEAL OF DADT: 12th Air Command, 254 S. 12th St.; (215) 545-8088
A tour of duty at 12th Air definitely won’t put you through college, but you might be able to earn an honorable discharge.
BEST CLUB WITH THEME NIGHTS: Paradise, 101 Asbury Ave., Asbury Park, N.J.; (732) 988-6663
For true connoisseurs of decadence, you can’t beat Paradise. From the country-western and Latin motifs to toga parties and armed-forces nights, Paradise has a lock on the kind of events that attract partygoers from all over the region.
BEST SPORTS BAR: Westbury Bar & Restaurant, 261 S. 13th St.; (215) 546-5170
The Phillies’ victory and the Eagles’ playoff run got most of us all fired up. But if you don’t want to leave the Gayborhood to get your athletic freak on, you can’t do any better than the cozy, sporty atmosphere of the Westbury.
BEST DJ: DJ Zathan, www.myspace.com/djzathan
If DJ Zathan isn’t rocking the house with his progressive library of dance music at Stir or some other area club, he’s remixing or producing his own releases that find him combining classic dance grooves with cutting-edge beats.
ENTERTAINMENT & ACTIVITIES BEST ART GALLERY: The Clay Studio, 139 N. Second St.; (215) 925-3453
The Clay Studio consistently does an excellent job of scouring the country for artists who make even the most mundane material extraordinary with eye-catching, three-dimensional works of art. And for those who want to learn the craft, the studio also offers ceramic classes year-round and LGBT date nights, though probably more than a few people attend because of the pottery-wheel scene from the movie “Ghost.”
BEST LGBT SPORTS TEAM/EYE CANDY: The Fins Aquatic Club
Thanks to Michael Phelps, 2008 was the year of the swimmer. And, as far as we’re concerned, the Fins can smoke all they want. We’ll still cheer for them. Besides, the way this country is going, people who look good hairless and soaking-wet in a Speedo will soon be an endangered species.
BEST SINGER/SONGWRITER (Male-identified): Aiden James; www.aidenjamesmusic.com
James’ blue-collar work ethic, along with his songs blending folk, rock and country influences, won us over. There’s a level of moody, experimental brilliance on his latest album, “On The Run,” that you just don’t easily find in other artists at this level. Keep an eye on this one.
BEST SINGER/SONGWRITER (Female-identified): Steph Hayes; www.myspace.com/thegoodproblems
The hardest-working singer-songwriter in Philadelphia is always busy and entertaining, whether she’s performing solo or rocking out with The Good Problems or one of her many, many side projects. We feel lazy just watching her work.
BEST REASON TO VISIT A.C.: The Borgata, One Borgata Way, the big, sleek-looking purple and black building on the left
If it weren’t for the Borgata, we wouldn’t even bother getting on the Atlantic City Expressway. Situated just far enough away from the core neon supernova that is downtown Atlantic City, The Borgata has the best entertainment and atmosphere one could hope for from a town that exists only to empty your soul and your wallet.
BEST REASON TO VISIT WILMINGTON: The Dupont Theatre, 1007 N. Market St., Wilmington, Del.; (302) 656-4401
It must suck to be Wilmington. Why? Because you will never, ever in your lifetime hear Christina Aguilera, Metallica, Jay-Z or Bono in front of a screaming audience saying, “Are you ready to rock, Wilmington?” But you can catch Patti Lupone, Ruben Studdard and some of the best Broadway shows around. And the reason you can see them in that fair city is because of the DuPont Theater.
BEST REASON TO VISIT CAPE MAY: It’s not the rest of the Jersey Shore
For the most part, the Jersey Shore resembles and embodies every overwrought Springsteen/Bon Jovi song you’ve ever heard. Who needs all that drama? Cape May is a tranquil oasis by comparison ... well, once you fight your way through traffic to get there.
BEST CABARET: L’Etage, Thursday nights, 624 S. Sixth St.; (215) 215-0656
Between the crèpes and the camp atmosphere, there is no other place in the city we’d most like to get our saucy and sexy groove on than L’Etage. Actually, you can show up any night (except Mondays) and have a good time. But if you can only go one night a week, make it a Thursday.
BEST DISPLAY OF GRRL POWER: Lesbians of Laughter Tour; www.theloltour.com
There aren’t enough female comedians out there. So when we see a group of women who make people laugh — especially when they aren’t talking about kids (boring) — we take notice. Make sure you catch Lisa Kaplan, Jackie Monanhan, Deborah Eisner and Jules Riley at their next area show and get your tickets early: The last few shows sold out.
BEST FESTIVAL: Outfest; second Sunday in October in the heart of the Gayborhood; www.phillypride.org
Where else can you get all the fun and pageantry of Philly Pride with half of the sweat?
BEST NEWLY OUT CELEBRITY: Wanda Sykes
We love Wanda because she is outrageously funny and smart to begin with. But then she upped the ante by coming out for all the right reasons: righteous anger. It’s OK if you want to come out because you had a kid with a surrogate and decided to stop BSing the public, or you want to hang out with your new girlfriend at Spago. But nothing beats an angry lesbian kicking the hinges off her closet door to spit hot fire over the passing of Proposition 8.
BEST GAY MOVIE: “Milk” There really was no better movie last year, but somehow the Oscar judges were more enamored with visions of dancing Indian orphans than with real-life struggles for equality. Fortunately, the performances both in front of and behind the camera were so damn good that “Milk” couldn’t be completely shut-out.
BEST MAINSTREAM MOVIE: “Wall-E” Forget that this was marketed as a kid flick. No other movie was as equally and perfectly dark, funny, poignant, entertaining and somehow socially relevant last year than “Wall-E.” The story of a lonely robot on a trashed future earth who winds up saving humanity from itself was the only other movie last year that was as universally praised (and given the short end of the stick at awards time) as “Milk.”
BEST MOVIE THEATER: The Ritz Landmark Theatres, various locations; www.landmarktheatres.com
OK, we know that Ritz theaters were bought by Landmark. We don’t care. They still reward our undying affection with a steady flow of independent and art-house films far superior to the blockbuster popcorn fare usually foisted upon us.
BEST BOOKSTORE: Giovanni’s Room, 345 S. 12th St.; (215) 923-0813
The independent gay bookstore is a dying breed. We don’t think our beloved Giovanni’s is going anywhere, but the city’s plan to tear up the street probably won’t help things. So, just to be safe, catch one of its many readings and buy a bunch of stuff while you’re there. Go, go, go. Spend, spend, spend.
BEST LIVE MUSIC VENUE: TLA, 334 South St.; (215) 922-1011
There are many venues in Philly with an impressive lineup of shows and loud sound systems, but TLA wins for being all of those things and a comfortable place to see a show. And we do mean “see.” There’s not a bad piece of real estate in the house, whether you are pressed up against the stage or belly up to one of the bars.
BEST CD/RECORD STORE: Long in the Tooth, 2027 Sansom St.; (215) 569-1994
There are some experiences you can’t get on iTunes. This used-and-new-CD store has a funky yet selective collection of vinyl records, used books and DVDs to keep you sifting through its inventory for pop-culture treasures.
SHOPPING & SERVICES BEST SHOE STORE: Benjamin Lovell Shoes, various locations; www.benjaminlovellshoes.com
We have a small weakness for shoes. But, as we grow in age and wisdom, we find we have less tolerance for “movie shoes” — the kind that are so cute but hurt your feet so much that you can only wear them to the movies. That’s where Benjamin Lovell comes to the rescue. We can find shoes that satisfy our fashionista cravings without killing our feet.
BEST SPA TREATMENT: Ettoré Salon and Spa, 1201 Market St.; (215) 928-9010
When you have to get wrapped, waxed, hot-stoned and coiffed, go to Ettoré. Personally, we prefer the sport massage, but you really can’t go wrong with any of the treatments, even if you go cheap and get the $30 chair massage. But shame on you if you do. You could have gotten that at the mall.
BEST HAIR STYLIST: Nadia at Paradis, 1822 Chestnut St.; (215) 988-1720
No matter how undone our dos are (and we have rolled into Paradis with some train wrecks), we can rest assured that Nadia will have us looking like a million dollars with her follicular wizardry, no matter how unrealistic our expectations are.
BEST PLACE TO GET INK: Tattoo Eddie’s, 621 S. Fourth St.; (215) 922-7384
If you’ve got the mundane patch of skin, Eddie’s will hook you up with stinging, yet gratifying, graphic hotness that makes everything from the full-arm sleeve to a “tramp stamp” look like it should be hanging in an art gallery ... or airbrushed on the side of a van. Whatever your tastes dictate.
BEST REASON TO LAUGH: Helium Comedy Club, 2031 Sansom St.; (215) 496-9001
The city really should have a larger comedy-club scene than it has. But Helium is doing such a damn good job of bringing in the funniest touring comedians from television and the movies, you really can’t blame someone for not wanting to try and compete with them.
BEST NIGHT OUT: Karaoke Gong Show & Rock Band Shred-a-Thon at the Balcony Bar at The Trocadero, 1003 Arch St.; (215) 922-5483
Every karaoke night should have a freakin’ gong — even if the whole night ends up like a really bad kung-fu movie in the process. Don’t just stand up there holding the mic and singing in monotone. Give us a show or you are gone. And if you haven’t played Rock Band yet, get off your ass and do it. When you strap on one of those fake instruments, you’re going to feel like a member of Queen rocking a stadium.
BEST GYM: Bellevue Sporting Club, 224 S. Broad St.; (215) 985-9876
We have ADD at the gym, so we need more than treadmills and free weights to keep us interested. And sometimes — oh, say, after a breakup — we need a change of pace from 12th Street. Lucky for us, there’s the Bellevue. You don’t stay in the fitness business for 30 years without some serious athletic mojo going on. This top-notch facility offers everything you could possibly need to whip yourself into shape, from boxing and Pilates to swimming and racquetball.
BEST YOGA STUDIO: Yoga Sutra, 1401 Walnut St., second floor; (215) 640-0909
You know you’ve found the right yoga studio when you’re too spent and at peace (or, in our case, cramped and sore) to look for anyplace else to get stretched, twisted and molded into a better you. Yoga Sutra has it all: a relaxing atmosphere and awesome instructors to inspire beginners and experienced students alike.
BEST PERSONAL TRAINER: Liz Sherman at SWEAT, 1425 Arch St.; www.sweatfitness.com
All this eating and drinking in preparation for the Pink Penny Awards leaves us a little thick in places like Hansel and Gretel with hangovers. Luckily, Liz is there for us at Sweat with her tough-exercise love to whip us back into shape ... or whatever form we were in before this nightmare started.
BEST PLACE TO LEARN SELF-DEFENSE: Philly Roller Girls
Most martial-arts schools teach you basic robotic motions and, eventually, you’ll work your way up to some John Woo action moves. But this is Philadelphia, and most people who wish you harm aren’t going to wait for you to earn your black belt. Life comes at you fast, much like the wheeled opponents you see at the Philly Roller Girls’ brutally entertaining throw-downs. So why not take notes on how to throw an elbow or a punch just right — because we doubt there’s a mugger out there more dangerous than an angry, frothing roller-harpy on skate.
BEST HOTEL: The Independent Hotel, 1234 Locust St.; (215) 722-1440
We like to get pampered when we can afford it. But with some of the luxury hotels boasting 100-plus rooms, it’s a little difficult to feel special. Thankfully, the Independent Hotel has only 24 rooms, so you can feel fully entrenched in the lap of luxury as the hotel doles out its considerable charm and top-notch service.
BEST PLACE TO GET CAR REPAIRS: 11th Street Auto, 820-22 S. 11th St.; (215) 928-0376
The only thing harder to find that a politician you trust is finding a mechanic you trust. The good people at 11th Street Auto win over customers every day with their expert automotive skills, friendly demeanor and ability to make you feel like you’re in good hands every step of the way.
BEST BIKE SHOP: Bicycle Therapy, 2211 South St.; (215) 235-7849
Admit it: There was at least a hot minute last year when we all thought, “To hell with the skyrocketing gas prices, I’m kicking it Fred Flintstone-style and buying a bike.” Well, it’s still a good idea, at least during spring and summer. But a lot of us haven’t ridden or bought a bike since we rocked a Huffy to and from the playground. And since we’re a bit smarter now and don’t want to trust 25 pounds of metal and moving parts sitting between our legs to the technical expertise of a mall department store, we have to seek out the best. No other bike store in Philly will have you ready to pedal through the streets like Lance Armstrong quicker than Bicycle Therapy.
BEST REASON TO GIVE TO CHARITY: Goodwill, various locations; www.goodwill.org
We know that we have too much stuff. We buy new clothes, books, shoes and other things we just have to have without a thought to where the hell we are going to put them. So, here’s an idea: If we can’t seem to accomplish the “reduce” concept of “reduce, reuse, recycle,” perhaps we can master the reuse/recycle part. Best of all, when we make a tax-deductible donation, we can pick up a few (new-to-us) things without breaking the bank.
BEST MODERN HOME DÉCOR: Bo Concept, 1719 Chestnut St.; (215) 564-5656
As much as we love to deck out our living quarters with IKEA and Target furniture like we are still in college, we would burn both of those stores to the ground and dance happily around their ashes if we could shop at this ultra-chic furniture venue every day. And, best of all, they have consultants to help you get your design groove on.
BEST PLACE TO GO TO SPRUCE UP THE HOMESTEAD: PHAG Shop, 1225 Walnut St.; (215) 627-0461
Every now and again we need to update our home accessories. Fortunately, PHAG has a selection of home décor that lets you get your place looking sharp without having to go all Zsa Zsa in the process.
BEST PLACE TO GO ON A BUDGET: AIDS Thrift, 514 Bainbridge St.; (215) 922-3186
The only thing better than second-hand discount fashion freshness is having the proceeds go to local organizations involved in the fight against HIV/AIDS. Shop away!
BEST PLACE TO GET ALL CULTURED ’N’ STUFF: The Kimmel Center, 260 S. Broad St.; (215) 790-5800; www.kimmelcenter.org
When you’ve got the best of Broadway, classical music, concerts and dance performances in the same complex, why would you dress up for anything else? The Kimmel Center is always hosting some form of breathtaking, show-stopping entertainment to keep us enthralled.
BEST PLACE TO ADOPT A PET: Philadelphia Animal Welfare Society (PAWS), 100 N. Second St.; (215) 238-9901
Animals feel recessions too, you know. Come on, we’re all suckers for doe-eyed creatures in need of a home. If you are so inclined, head to PAWS. The no-kill shelter finds homes for thousands of animals each year, so hurry up and pick up a cute bundle of co-dependency.
BEST PLACE TO UPDATE YOUR WARDROBE: South Moon Under, 1731 Chestnut St.; (215) 563-2298
Whether your look is glam or garage rock, get yourself looking good and somewhat edgy, if you so please, with South Moon Under’s wide selection of non-threatening hipster wear.
BEST PHILLY-RELATED PIECE OF CLOTHING: West Philly onesie at VIX Emporium, 5009 Baltimore Ave.; (215) 471-7700
Let the world know your newborn is representing the strength of street knowledge with this must-have urban babywear. Additional bling not included.
BEST PLACE TO DRESS LIKE A SOLDIER WITHOUT HAVING TO ASK OR TELL: I. Goldberg Army & Navy Store, 1300 Chestnut St.; (215) 925-9393
When DADT finally eats it this year (yeah, we know ... we’re being optimistic that Team Obama is going to do right by us so soon), there are going to be military-themed bar nights and tons of our newly liberated brothers and sisters running around looking to ask, tell and all the things that come between. So you might as well head down to I. Goldberg and get suited up for when Johnny and Jenny come marching home for a patriotic debriefing.
BEST PLACE TO FEEL LIKE A SKANKY WHORE (IN A GOOD WAY): The Pleasure Chest, 2039 Walnut St.; (215) 561-7480
With the relative main-streaming of sex toys and lingerie, we tend to forget the days when the purchase of erotic paraphernalia felt like a naughty, clandestine transaction ripped from the pages of a spy novel. The Pleasure Chest remembers. With its underground bunker-like location and the need for a secret knock to gain entry (OK, we’re kidding about the secret knock), The Pleasure Chest is by far the naughtiest-feeling place to prepare for your carnal exploits. Shame on you!
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